A Story That Can Be Read
by cheneymacphisto
Summary: Look, an Animaniacs fanfic. It is not like all the others. Or, wait, maybe it is.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm hungry," said Wakko.

There was a thunderous crash, an electrical-sounding noise, and computers worldwide exploded. Civilization ground to a screeching halt. Screeching, mind you. Sparkles floated in the air. Doc Ock fell to his knees, weeping, and praying for forgiveness.

"Wow," said Dot, "You broke it."

Wakko was staring mutely at the chaos. He stared at it. He continued to stare at it. "How?" he managed after a sufficient amount of staring.

"Simple," Yakko said, "There were three things wrong - or RIGHT - with that sentence. First, it was gramatically correct. You did not mention that Im was hungry."

"But Im isn't hungry. Im just ate lunch," Wakko said, gesturing at Im, who nodded in agreement. And a good lunch it had been, thought Im. Yum yum.

"Secondly, it was Shockingly In Character." Yakko said this with capital letters, because they were Needed.

Wakko shrugged. "Okay?"

"Third...ly..." Mercy, that was a strange word. "Number three, it advanced the plot. Somewhat."

Wakko thought thoughts about this.

"Don't you see," cried Dot, "You've BROKEN FANDOM. You BROKE THE THREE CARDINAL RULES OF FANFIC." She flailed her arms about in emphasis. "Nothing will ever be the same!"

"Not ever?" Wakko said, frightened.

"NOT EVER NEVER!" Lola answered, appearing from elsewhere. "Have you seen my new shoes?"

"Oooh, they have the grippy underneath," Yakko said. He understood the benefits of this feature, as it greatly aided one when doing one's climbing up things.

"I'm still hungry," Wakko said, because he was, despite broken fandoms and grippy underneaths. "We still haven't had breakfast."

"I know," said Dot, who knew. "There's a new restaurant just over there." (Had it been farther, it would have presented transportation difficulties). "I hear they have great pancakes."

"Zhi Emaisl's!" Yakko said. Because that was what it was.

And so the Warner siblings found themselves seated in a booth at Zhi Emaisl's House of Pancakes. The waitress sparkled over to them.

"Hi," she giggled in a shower of sparkles, "My names cassie, liek, wut do u want?" She tossed her platinum blond hair over one shoulder. It shined like a Pantene commercial underneath the restaurant's dirty fluorescent lamps. A butterfly gracefully flew over and landed on her shoulder.

Yakko stared at the waitress curiously. Dot stared at the menu curiously. Wakko continued trying to carve his initials into the table with the knife.

"You're one of them," Yakko said.

"I can't read this," Dot said.

"These knives need sharpened," Wakko said.

"Teehee!" sparkled cassie. "Ur so silly! Im silly too, im random. I liek cheese!"

"Im isn't silly or random," Wakko argued, now distracted from his vandalism. "You don't know Im very well."

"I can't read your menu," Dot said. "What are the yotted finges?"

"Oh, their very good."

"Whose very good?" Yakko was suspicious.

"There very good."

"It is not! There's no very good there!"

"You need a comma, honey," said Dot, handing her one. "Here you go. They're served with yew sauce. What's yew sauce?"

"Its our signitur sauce. We also serve it w/ our vendetta," said cassie.

"Vendettaaaaaaaaa!" sang Roper, before fading into oblivion.

"Hum," said Dot, thoughtfully.

"I think we'll have pancakes," Yakko said. "I think we'll all have pancakes, in the interest of moving the plot along." He refolded the menus and handed them back to cassie. She took them and gracefully danced back into the kitchen.

"I'm afraid," Wakko said. Fearfully.

"Me too," Dot said, also fearfully, with fear.

"Fear is a natural response," Yakko said. He was feeling particularly pithy. "When faced with abominable horror, fear is what enables you to run away very fast screaming, or hit stuff. We have just been faced with the most abominable and horrible of all abominable horrors. Therefore, we fear." This said, he began calmly building a pyramid out of the butter packets.

"I've never seen anything like that before," Dot said. "What was it?"

"It SPARKLED," Wakko added.

"It was a Sue," Yakko said. "Sues sparkle. They have crazy magical powers. They have troubled pasts, iPods, strawberry frappucinos, and Hawthorne Heights CDs. Sometimes they have really long names, and sometimes they are named Cassie."

"Why Cassie?" Dot wanted to know.

Yakko shrugged. "I would buy a ridiculous amount of presents for the person who knows the answer to that question."

"I know a Cassie," Peter Parker said mournfully.

"She says she's my cousin," MJ said, "But she LIES."

"Me too," said Jack, from Newsies. "Although mine was sent back in time to fall in love with me."

"KILL," growled Anakin Skywalker.

Sonic the Hedgehog gave a mournful sigh.

"Cassie butchered our fandoms," said Draco. Buffy put her arm around his shoulders and tried to console him.

"See," Yakko said. "Even we are not immune."

"Why do Sues talk so funny?" Dot asked.

"Sues are not known for their typing or grammar skills," Yakko said.

"My face hurts," said Wakko. He had been smashing it into the table repeatedly since the part about "strawberry frappucinos."

Just then, cassie sparkled back to their table, perfectly carrying three plates of pancakes in her perfect hands. She distributed them and teehee'd at her customers. "Does everything look all right?" she asked.

"No," Dot said, "you are wearing sparkly blue eyeshadow. It looks terrible."

cassie giggled, and it sounded like the tinkling of sparkly glass bells. "Ur silly!" she said, and then suddenly sat down beside Dot at the table. "U C," she said conspiringly -

"C is for cookie!" Yakko said.

"That's good enough for me," Wakko added.

"U C," cassie continued, "Its not just eyeshadow its SPECIAL eyeshadow. Its magikle eyeshadow. It came from my fairy godmother on my 5th birthday. But I wuz 2 young 2 use it then. Now I can. Now that I know im a witch. I got a letter, c? Im goin 2 hogwarts. Im gonna date Harry. I hope I make friends. I usually make friends easily, but no 1 relly understands me. Will u b my friends?"

It took the Warner siblings a moment to sort through this announcement, correct the spelling errors, replace the numbers with authentic English words, toss out the unnecessary information and determine the real meaning. During this time, cassie continued to sparkle at them, a big grin on her carefully painted face.

"No," Yakko said, arriving at the question, and therefore the answer, first.

cassie seemed momentarily startled - this wasn't how it was supposed to go! - but recovered fairly quickly. "Oh," she said, with a huge dramatic sigh. "Ive never had ne friends before. i guess i shouldnt of expected it 2 be diffrent." She sighed again, louder this time, and stared at the table, looking decidedly forlorn.

"Guess you shouldn't have," Dot said sweetly.

"Y cant we b friends?" cassie said. She was persistant if nothing else.

"Y?" said Yakko.

"Wii? said Dot.

"Wyy can't we have a Wii?" said Wakko.

"Because they're expensive," Yakko answered, "And sold out."

"Oh." He returned to his pancakes.

"Y wont u b friends with me?" The attention had been diverted away from cassie for too long, and she was getting antsy.

"We don't believe in friends," Dot said.

"U dont?" cassie was stunned, which didn't happen often. Usually, she did the stunning.

"No," Yakko said, "Friends are bad. We refuse to accept friends. We choose instead to do everything as a family. We are exclusive. We are like a cult. Would you like some Kool Aid?"

"Um," said cassie. "Nothanks. That's a little bit creepy."

"Exactly," Dot said.

"OW!" Wakko suddenly exclaimed, and spit out the bite of pancake he had been chewing. "What WAS that?"

"It looks suspiciously like the lost Ark," Yakko said.

"Why would the lost Ark be in a stack of pancakes?" Dot wondered. Somewhere nearby, Devlin Buchanan chuckled softly to himself. It is important to point out that this chuckling had no bearing on the part and was not in anyway foreshadowing. Quite literally, it was not.

Unimpressed by the ancient relic, cassie continued talking about herself. "I get off work n a half hr," she said. "We should totally do something. I want 2 go 2 the mall," said cassie. "I want 2 get some new clothes, and I need 2 by my sister a birthday present. She'll b 19," cassie said, proudly. "She's like, totally my idol. I want 2 git her something relly good."

"That's almost sweet," Dot said.

"Im pretty nice," cassie agreed. "So wat do u say? Ill drive. My parents bought me a new car 4 Thanksgiving. They don't luv me," she sighed, "but they buy me nice stuff."

They did not get to say anything, because in the interest of the storyline, cassie whisked them away to her brand new pink BMW. Once they had gone, Devlin Buchanan ran over to their abandoned booth, snatched up the lost Ark and some of the pancake remains, and scurried away.


	2. Chapter 2

Cassie found a pair of Very Expensive Designer Sunglasses in the

glove compartment and put them on. She placed her pink iPod mini in

its pink iPod mini docking type place and selected a song. Angst

spilled forth from the speakers.

"Hawthorne Heights?" guessed Dot.

"hee, no. Im tired of them. This is simple plan," said cassie. "I

just luv them. I feel like all they're songs were written 4 me."

"They're songs?" Wakko asked. "What's it like being a song?"

"Huh?" said cassie.

Dot had found a stack of semi-interesting looking papers in the

backseat, and was looking through them. On top was a letter with a

glittery logo. It said, "Sparklypoo." She read further.

"Your middle name is Ariella?" Dot asked, with whatever tone of voice

one should use to ask such a question.

"Yes. Isnt it pretty. My full name is cassie ariella mcelveen," said

cassie. "And I pronounce it el-VEN, like elven, bcause I think im

part elf."

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot sat in silence. There was simply nothing to say.

"Wouldn't u like 2 no y?" she persisted.

"No," Dot said.

Cassie was rendered momentarily speechless by this answer, and those

moments were all it took for them to arrive at the mall. "Here we r,"

said cassie. They got out of the car. They went into the mall. It was

hustling. It was bustling. It wasn't smustling, but the Sims were.

"Will you buy us things?" Wakko asked.

"No," said Cassie, uncertainly.

"If you want to be our friend, you'll buy us things," Dot said.

Cassie, in addition to magical powers and super shiny hair, had a

fairly decent memory. "I thought you didn't have friends," she said.

"I thought you did everything together as a family and only as a

family, to a nearly cultish degree."

"We're not in Dayton anymore, Toto," said Yakko.

"Huh?" said Cassie.

"Huh?" said the audience. Some of them. But some of them snickered.

It was the proverbial seperation of the sheep and the goats. The

wheat and the chaff. The 1337 from the people who typed in letters.

Those who got the joke earned themselves a pizza. And no, not the

Toto bit.

"My sister works here," said cassie, derailing the train of emotional

baggage temporarily.

Chapter Tres

The four trailed slowly into Forever XXI, though the Warner siblings were slightly confused. "Why don't they just use regular numbers for their name?" asked Wakko.

"Duh," answered cassie. "Bcause ex-ex-eye is kewler. Y use numbres win its called ex-ex-I?"

Yakko sighed and wondered why on earth they had gone anywhere with this ridiculous girl.

"These clothes are pretty ugly," observed Dot. Coco Chanel nodded in agreement from her grave. So did the gay guy working in Express Men, from his store.

cassie ignored her and pointed: "Their she is!"

What stood in front of the group was a wondrous monster conglomeration of all clothing inspired by the 1980's, on a girl's body, at the same time. Her hair was frizzier than a poodle Cesar Milan once cured of a nervous bladder. She had on approximately three shirts, all of which were of differing lengths, all of which were hideously ugly, and leggings. Clinton Kelly fainted from the horror. Justin Timberlake just cried.

cassie's monstrosity of a sister flitted to them and waved hello.

"Hi," said Dot.

"Hello," said Yakko.

"You're ugly," said Wakko.

80's Girl just waved again.

"Why won't you talk to us?" asked Dot.

"O, my sister doesnt talk," explained cassie.

"Why not?" Wakko inquired innocently.

"Bcause then ppl might expect her 2 have a personality," cassie answered.

"Oh," answered the Warner siblings in unison. Dot clarified, "Well, that makes sense." Emily Post rolled over in her grave. Isaac Mizrahi just cried.

"My sister luvs 80's cloths!" said cassie. "Shes gonna use them 2 take over the world!"

"I'm the only one with evil plans for the world!" interrupted Reese Roper, who was for some unknown reason wearing a lobster suit.

Lexi, which was the name on 80's Girl's nametag, hit her sister. "Sssh!" was all that came out of her mouth.

"Owwww!" whined cassie, and then whispered, "i guess im not sposed to talk bout that."

"Hmm" wondered the Chief on Carmen Sandiego. "That sounds suspicious, gumshoe."

"Say, that sounds suspicious," echoed Wakko to Yakko in a whisper. "I'm not sure we should trust her."

"Or her sparklypoo little sister," expanded Dot.

Suddenly, cassie had disappeared into the racks of garish clothing (though it was easy to find her, as she kept yelling, "This is kewl" or "How kute!" every five seconds. Also, her sparkly blue eyeshadow was glowing in a way that made Yakko wonder if she was radioactive) and the Warner siblings were left with Lexi, who really was a walking billboard for why the 80's went out of style. Lexi just looked at them from her seemingly permanent scowl.

"Let's get out of here," said Dot. "All of these leggings are going to give me nightmares." Stacy London nodded in agreement.

Lexi waved goodbye and Wakko, Yakko, and Dot decided to attempt to find a Macy's. Their primary goal was not only to breathe the air of sanity for a moment after filling their lungs so long with the atmosphere of misdirected teenage fashion.

While walking past the food court, Wakko realized that they had never finished eating their meal at Zhi Emaisl's House of Pancakes. "I'm still hungry," he told his family. "I got distracted by the Lost Ark."

"Well, that's Understandable," said Indiana Jones.

"Not you, too, with the Improper Capitalization!" exclaimed Yakko.

"I'm Sorry," Indiana Replied.

"THEN STOP!" said Dot, in all capitals.

"That might be worse," said Yakko.

"Oops," responded Dot.

Then, out of Nowhere, Someone said: "NARF!"

"Where did that come from?" all three siblings asked.

"I don't know," they all told each other.

Wakko stood on Yakko's shoulders and threw Dot in the air so that she could look around. "All I see is an ugly red-haired boy," Dot told him. "And his skinny girlfriend." As Dot watched, the red haired boy wandered over to a nearby table, where someone had left a jacket and a cup of Mountain Dew. He stared at it for a moment (the skinny girl was making whining type expressions with her face), then picked up the cup and jacket and continued to another table.

"He just picked up a cup and jacket and continued to another table," Dot said, feeling repetitive, and redundant. "I don't think they were his."

"He was stealing?" said Wakko.

"I think so," Dot said.

"Then we must stop him!" Yakko said, feeling righteously indignant about the whole thing. "Onward, sibs!"

They purposefully headed towards the red haired boy and his girlfriend, as triumphant music played triumphantly, the sort of music which plays triumphantly when one is Doing The Right Thing.

They took up residence at a nearby table. "How will we stop him?" Wakko asked, eyeing red haired boy and girlfriend suspiciously.

"I think this is a job for Dot," Yakko said, "And her unbearable cuteness." Dot smiled, unbearably cutely.

Dot skipped endearingly over to the table where red haired boy and girlfriend were sitting. "Excuse me,' she said, unbearably cutely.

"Yeah?" red haired boy was no Dr. Brown, but he was not initially unfriendly either. Girlfriend glowered.

"Whose jacket is that?" Dot asked, sweetly, pointing at it.

He was nothing if not honest. "It was on that table over there," he said. "People shouldn't leave them just lying around."

Dr. Brown rolled his eyes at the red haired boy. Pastor Rohm just cried.

Dot gasped a cute little gasp. "You stole it?" she said, shocked. Girlfriend fidgeted nervously, and made a show of playing with RHB's keys on the table. They jingled possessively. A shiny heart bearing the words "mine" glimmered in a jealous manner.

"Heh," chuckled RHB, who, unlike RBH, is not a former president of the United States. "Not really. Someone just left it there."

"But… but…" Dot whimpered, fighting back tears, "But isn't that steeeeeeeeaaallling?" She pouted helplessly up at him.

"Uh," he said. "Uh…"

Skinny Girlfriend dove across the table, grabbed his face, and began making out with him. Dot stared, her face a mixture of horror and mild curiosity. After a few minutes, Skinny Girlfriend detached her face from RHB's long enough to glare at Dot and snark, "He's MY boyfriend, he's TOTALLY DATING ME, he LOVES me."

"I didn't want him," Dot informed her.

While RHB did technically enjoy the making out part, he was not thrilled with the jealousy issues SG was displaying and decided to break up with her on the spot. "This Ship has sailed," he said.

Dannah Gresham nodded her approval. "I approve," she said. "After all, men are like microwaves – you'll find someone else soon. Sorry, Crockpot."

"Also," Dannah said, pausing occasionally for emphasis, "It is NOT POSSIBLE to watch a scene such as this" (she gestured at RHB and SG) "without getting –"

"GOODNIGHT, EVERYBODY!" said Yakko. Homeschool Girl just cried.

"What's all this bout?" asked cassie, sparkling up to them with her iridescent eyeshadow. Actually, with her iridescent everything.

"We're just witnessing a nonmutual agreement to disband a relationship," said Dot.

"O," she replied. "Look! A BOY! hes like totaly kute!"

S ex-G, who went on to have a lucrative career as the hip hop artist Sex-G, took on a demonic glow and stared at cassie. Justin Timberlake looked at her strangely. "She brought sexy back! I should write a song about her. Or maybe I should hire somebody else to write it. And sing it, and then I'll just get to lip-synch as usual."

"Your music sucks," said So!Punk!Girl, sounding as though she had just smoked enough cigarettes to keep Marlboro in business for the next year. Rachael Ray snorted and flailed nearby.

"I'm still hungry," Wakko said, remembering.

Yakko pointed at Rachael Ray.

"I'm not hungry anymore," Wakko said.

"Rude," said RHB.

"Huh?" Wakko asked.

"That was rude," RHB clarified.

"What?" Wakko asked, just to get under RHB's skin.

RHB's face started to match his nasty hair and his wolf-teeth became exposed in a snarl. "You… You…" he growled.

"Step to me, and you're gonna get dissed, homeboy," said Reese Roper, who was no longer wearing a lobster costume, but was instead a chicken. "…"

"Why are you a chicken?" asked Dot.

"I just got a job working at El Pollo Loco," Reese answered. "The cow position at Chick-Fil-A was already filled."

"Ewww," whined S ex-G. "They have fried foods there. I only eat salads. And ice cream. That's why I'm so thin."

"We have salads too," said Reese.

"Oooh," said Amberly, "I hear they have great Italian food. Actually, I think there's one by the mall."

"We're _in _the mall. How stupid are you?" asked RHB.

"Who's rude now?" challenged Chuck Norris.

He was ignored, however, as RHB suddenly exclaimed, "What are you DOING?" Wakko was helping himself to RHB's order of French fries.

"But you weren't eating them," Wakko said.

"Those are mine, you idiot," RHB snapped, his face turning an interesting shade of red, completely different from that of his hair.

"But you just left them here," Wakko said.

RHB went to kick Wakko in the face, but Chuck Norris round-house kicked him first. RHB whimpered.

"Im tired of just standin hear," said cassie. "Im wantin 2 look makeup."

"Whose Im?" asked SG.

"_Who's _Im," Yakko corrected.

"Who's _he," _said Wakko.

"No, who's _Im?" _

"Im like totaly confused write now," said cassie. "Lets go 2 sephora." And so they went to Sephora.


End file.
